Elmer Coyote
I found this letter tacked to the back door today.
Dear Mr. Oris George,
This letter is to advise you of our intentions along the river. The area includes your little farm.
As you may have noticed, spring is approaching. We of the coyote community have been howling at night, a little more than usual.
We wild canines mate for life. I have a mate. My brother, Marvin, is looking for someone with whom to share his life. He is young, bashful and not sure of himself and howls a lot in hopes of attracting some poor unsuspecting female. Most of the howling you heard this last week is Marvin’s pitiful call. It will take a special female to tolerate him and his bad habits. Our mating season is during February and March. (Marvin better get with the program.) He’s driving all of us nuts.
In exchange for you letting us range on your little farm, we will keep down the rabbit population so they won’t destroy any more young trees you have planted. And, we will also keep the mice and rat population under control. In return, we ask you to throw us a watermelon once in a while. Above all, you will not have a large dog roaming around.
Further, we order the group of writers that meets twice monthly at your house, to refrain from making so much noise. Human giggling and laughing are a human irritant we find impossible to tolerate.
You are reminded we were here long before you cluttered our area with you little gray house.
It is our desire to live in harmony with you. We will do this so long as you do what your are told.
Sincerely,
Elmer Coyote, spokesman
Association for The Preservation of Coyotes
3 Responses to “Elmer Coyote”
March 7th, 2009 at 1:16 am
Dear Elmer,
Oris George shared with me your note. I realize you came first, and you think you’ve got the edge on rights to squat at the George Residence. I won’t discourage you from squatting there, nor will I inhibit Mr. Marvin’s attempt to claim a wife (no matter what Oris says, I’m not available and I don’t care HOW good Marvin’s teeth are). However, it is of grave concern to me that you feel your rights to squat superceed those of the ACE Writers who share the George Residence for monthly meetings.
While I admit, we do some laughing and carrying on, I can assure you that we’re probably NOT going to stop. As for us being a human irritant, too bad. I’d give you a quarter to call someone who cared, if George wasn’t so danged cheap, but he’s only paid me a quarter each for two weeks now, and my pups are hungry. The reality is, we’re only there for a few hours once every couple of weeks, unless we show up randomly in between. If that’s not to your liking, I’m absolutely certain I can find a place for your hide right next to the bearskin I just finished tanning. Then your wife will be available for poor dear Marvin.
Elmer, they call me Charger because I take orders from no-one. Don’t threaten me or your species will be on the endangered list in Southeastern Colorado! You may have been here first, but we outnumber you.
I don’t like to call rank, but you’re at the bottom of the food chain, buddy.
Sincerely,
Charger
ACE WRITERS, CEO
March 7th, 2009 at 10:37 pm
Dear Elmer,
I was refused the power pole apt but have been sneaking in there late at night and leaving before 4AM.
I will not tolerate your abuse of the Acewriters group; they are lovely people. I should know, it was their ‘kind’ that made me famous.
You might learn a thing or two about manners if you take time to read my book. There are more important things in the world than eating, you know! Just ask Mr. George.
Now behave!
Yours ever so truly,
Jon. L. Seagull
March 11th, 2009 at 1:00 pm
What a delightful find, this collection of yours! I happened to stumble upon it while looking for some photos in the ‘net I had heard of entitled “Aerial Combat over Lake Tapps”. You are now in my “favorites”, and I will be stopping in once in a while to hear what the latest communique is from your diverse tenants on the George farm. Oh – and I can’t wait to read the book I hear is forthcoming. – Shannon
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